Entries in Grief (4)

9:57AM

I wish I could figure out what sets me off. I've moment I'm having a lovely day then I doze a bit and have whacked out dreams. The rest of the day I'm a blubbering mess and at 3:00 am ask the all to familiar question: "why can't I sleep?"

I suppose this is why grief is so hard on family and friends. They are just as confused by the emotions as you are.

1:11AM

My New Motto

To-do list from before my world changed.

 

If it doesn't have to be done and I don't enjoy it, I'm not going to do it.

Period.

So my grand plans to sell all of the girls' old clothes? Forget it. They are going to a charity shop unless a couple of people want some stuff. Same with the diapers and woolies. And trikes and helmets and toys. Very little that I have here is worth enough money to take me away from hanging with my girls.

Now, when I first told this to Aba, he freaked out thinking that I was just going to sit around for a year. I'm not. The girls asked me to go to the zoo. At the same time I'm trying to clean out the basement. Instead of spending months organizing and selling the stuff there, I'm going to donate most of it and head to the zoo. And Disneyland. And finishing How To Be A Pirate. And sewing clothes for Radar.

And the basement will still get cleared out. Then my sewing machine and scrapbooking supplies will have a home and there will be a couple of tables for the girls to work with me.

Because, really, I never want to find a to-do list where I've done the unimportant things and "haven't gotten around to" doing the important things.

1:17PM

One Week

And I feel so lost. Like I should be doing something. Instead I'm sitting here refereeing between the girls.

5:12AM

Amid the August heat our family planned a relaxing getaway of swimming, laughing and fun while helping my mother heal. Bicycle riding, gardening, long walks and visits to horses were all part of the plan for the weeks leading to Rosh haShannah. Instead it turned into a time of tears, goodbyes, sleepless nights, remembered regrets and forgiveness.

My mother has died.

Decades of numbing emotional abuse with alcohol had taken their toll and have taken my mother and my children's grandmother.

Rest-in-peace Mommy.